Stop Sibling Rivalry the Bible Way: How to Help Your Kids Show Love & Kindness
We have heard these, maybe even said them ourselves, when our children don't get along and are at each others' throat: "These kids just can't get along;" "It's just sibling rivalry." Maybe their behavior is sibling rivalry, but are we resigned that they won't get along because they just can't or do we just wait it out, expecting the conflict to go as the children grow? Parenting expert Abbey Waterman, a mother of eight and home educator for more than 20 years, says parents have to foster brotherly kindness in their children and not just expect it to happen.
"I didn't let my children ‘have friends’ outside of the family until they could get along with each other," said Waterman, whose children range in age from 23 to 6. “We would go to church and I would have them head straight to the car after service. They didn’t get the privilege of socializing with their friends at church.” She once made a bickering son and daughter share a room, forcing them to deal with each other and work out their issues. Today, the children are close.
Waterman's tactics may seem extreme, but God expects us to go through radical means to get radical results. "So now I am giving to you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples" (John 13:34-35-NLT). Jesus issued this command to his disciples right before He was to be crucified, buried and ascended to heaven. He was giving His disciples instructions on how to behave in His absence. He wanted everyone to know how King's kids act. He wanted them to represent Him well. Isn't this what we want for our children, that they represent the family name well? I'm not just talking about the Smith name or the Waterman name but the name of Jesus.
Just as Jesus told His disciples to love, we have to teach our disciples, our children who are in the Kingdom or are being groomed to be in the Kingdom, to love each other so the world knows they belong to Jesus. This is radical because our natural inclination is not to love but to be selfish, exert ourselves and defend our rights. Being enemies comes naturally. Loving others takes work. But when we can love as Jesus loved--unconditionally and selflessly--then others will see that love and be drawn to that love, and this love is what draws them into the Kingdom of God. Love, and by extension unity, is the goal for the body of Christ and we display this through brotherly kindness, the sixth character trait that we get in 2 Peter 1.
So following are 10 acts of brotherly kindness that we should help our children to embrace when dealing with each other (taken from Zechariah 7:9 Ephesians 4:1-3, 29, 31-32):
(If you have an only child you can have your child practice these brotherly kindness traits with you because aren't mothers and fathers sisters and brothers in the Kingdom anyway?)
1) Be humble--When children constantly get their way and we put emphasis on their physical aspects above their spiritual ones, we feed their natural desire to be self-centered and self-absorbed. Teaching them that Jesus is the only perfect one, that God has given everyone gifts and talents, and how to defer to each other, will keep them from thinking more highly of themselves than they should (Romans 12:3).
2) Be meek--Too often we confuse meekness with weakness, but being meek (having your power under control) is a definite act of strength. Children need to understand that it takes less power to physically or verbally crush their sibling. Real strength comes with parlaying what's easy into a greater action (Matthew 27:40-43; Luke 4:1-13).
3) Be compassionate--Our children should be showing "very tender affection" to each other. The Apostle Paul is known to tell believers to give one another a “holy kiss,” and we know we can’t get out of church without giving somebody a holy hug. Physical affection is appropriate for our children to display with each other and we should encourage it.
4) Speak love--Another way for our children to show tender affection is how they talk to each other. Commending jobs well done and encouraging each other when siblings are having a hard time are prime examples of speaking love. We can encourage our children to check on each other's welfare, even as my 2 year old does when he sees his brothers looking sad. "You okay?" he says as he rubs their backs. No doubt he has seen all of us do that for one another.
5) Be patient--We all deserve to be punished for something, but when those we wrong withhold their punishment, we have received their mercy; they were patient with us as God has been patient with us (Psalm 86:15).
When our children practice the first five, they will have little trouble squelching 6) anger, 7) rage, 8) bitterness, 9) name calling and 10) fist fighting. Helping our children exhibit brotherly kindness in the family prepares them to do so among God's family and be a great witness to a lost world. Indeed, walking in brotherly kindness is a great way to keep the Kingdom first.
Rhonda J. Smith is a former college speech instructor & communications coordinator turned full-time homemaker & journalist. The writing of this committed wife and mother who earned her Bachelor’s degree in journalism and a Master’s degree in communication from Wayne State University, Detroit, has been featured in The Detroit News, Newsday (New York), Chicago Tribune, Daily Tribune (Royal Oak, MI),Guideposts, and Charisma Magazine.
Rhonda frequently speaks at ministry functions, writes and edits newsletters for Christian ministries, and teaches public speaking workshops. Three times a week, she encourages women to lean on God's strength instead of their own through her blog, Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman. She, her husband and three sons attend Evangel Ministries in Detroit, where they live.
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5 Comments
Reader Comments (5)
My two sons fight like cats and dogs from morning until evening. I used to think it was just playful and kids were being kids. But they are 7 and 9 and the older they get the more hostile and angry their fights are. It scares me sometimes to be quite honest. The other day the were wrestling and fighting and really going AT it. It's terrible and has to stop! Thanks for the helpful tips. I need any assistance I can get.
Hello Rhonda! Great article as always. I enjoy reading your perspective. Maybe you can help me out with something. I have two boys that are 8 and 12. Ren and Felix are there names but they have two different fathers. Ren's father comes to see him regularly, pick him up, buys him things. But Felix's dad has chosen to be a trifling deadbeat who never does anything for his son. So I think the source of Ren and Felix's fighting is Felix's jealousy of the relationship Ren has with his father. The other day, Felix broken Ren's X-box and he does other little destructive things to Ren's toys and belonging that were bought by his dad. I don't know what to say or do to help the fighting because I can't make Felix dad step up and be a man. HE has to do that on his own.
My son Jeremy is an only child so I don't have much of an issue in the home department. But when we go out and he has to interact with other kids he can be so mean and hostile, like he has to take over everything. I don't know if it's the "Only Child Syndrome" or if he has deeper issues I need to address?
I used to wear failure like a badge of dishonor. Every time my children would embarrass me and act out, I felt like it was a personal failure. Then the Lord had to teach me something. He showed me that I wasn't a failure but I needed to be able to apply certain winning principles from his word. When I began doing that I saw sudden changes in my kids. The word works y'all! This is why I love coming to read your column Rhonda. I don't always comment but I tell you, seeing how you stay in the word is encouraging and such a blessing.
Now I know I am a failure on my own, but with and through CHRIST I am a winner.
Ex-Failure (Brenda)!
@Sheena, I have and will continue to pray for you and your sons. Make sure you don't fuel their fights by taking sides. Allow them to tell you what is wrong with their behavior and why it's not appropriate for them to operate in hatred. If they have accepted Christ as their Savior, work with them through the first few chapters of Titus 3, which talk of our behavior before being in Christ and the importance now obeying authority, doing good works and not behaving like we used to. Please let me know your progress as you implement tips from here and elsewhere. God's grace to you, Sis.
@ Pam, thanks so much. I must say that I cried when I read your comment. My heart pains for those who don't receive the love they should from a parent. Felix may indeed be mistreating Ren and his belongings because of his heart's cry for his father's love. It's so natural to lash out at those closest to us. But praise God that He word says that when our father and mother forget about us then God will receive us (Psalm 27:10). We all can expect our parents to forget about us in some way; parents are human and make mistakes. But God, through the care and comfort of others that He sends into our lives, always takes care of us. This is what Felix has to know and you should talk to him privately to ask him why he attacks his brother and his belongings. You may not want to even begin there but start by asking him his feelings about not spending time with his father, telling him you acknowledge his pain and that God's love continually flows toward him despite his father's absence. Encourage him to come vent to you or engage in another activity that will help him release his anger toward his father. Maybe after this you can ask him (if he hasn't already told you) if his feelings toward his father the reason he lashes out at Ren and gifts. Of course you should emphasize that that behavior is unacceptable. (Make sure to talk to not let Ren off the hook either, as I'm sure you don't). Maybe, if you don't already and Felix is open to it, you can arrange for him to spend quality time with a trusted older male figure in your life or a big brother through an organization like Big Brothers Big Sisters. Pam, I want updates. Please let me know what changes occur and know that I am praying for you and your sons to dwell together in unity.
@Tina, how old is your son? Is he old enough to explain to you why he's hostile to other children? If you think so, ask him what's the reason for his hostility. If you think he's dealing with "Only Child Syndrome" perhaps you can see how you may have contributed to this: Do you get him everything he wants and jump to his every request? If so, maybe you do this because you have the financial means to get him what he wants and the time to cater to him. If you are guilty, I suggest you place limits on what you get him and what you do for him. In doing so you are teaching him self control and patience. You and your son may benefit from him practicing the brotherly kindness traits with you as I suggested. Please let me know how your son begins to show brotherly kindness toward others.
@Brenda--"He showed me that I wasn't a failure but I needed to be able to apply certain winning principles from his word. When I began doing that I saw sudden changes in my kids. The word works y'all!"--You said something right there! God's word is not a book of suggestions but words we must apply. I'm so glad you got that and are seeing great results. The Bible is the ONLY thing that keeps me straight and is the only barometer for our behavior. That is why I must stay in the word. Thanks so much, Brenda.