We have heard these, maybe even said them ourselves, when our children don't get along and are at each others' throat: "These kids just can't get along;" "It's just sibling rivalry." Maybe their behavior is sibling rivalry, but are we resigned that they won't get along because they just can't or do we just wait it out, expecting the conflict to go as the children grow? Parenting expert Abbey Waterman, a mother of eight and home educator for more than 20 years, says parents have to foster brotherly kindness in their children and not just expect it to happen.
"I didn't let my children ‘have friends’ outside of the family until they could get along with each other," said Waterman, whose children range in age from 23 to 6. “We would go to church and I would have them head straight to the car after service. They didn’t get the privilege of socializing with their friends at church.” She once made a bickering son and daughter share a room, forcing them to deal with each other and work out their issues. Today, the children are close.
Waterman's tactics may seem extreme, but God expects us to go through radical means to get radical results. "So now I am giving to you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples" (John 13:34-35-NLT). Jesus issued this command to his disciples right before He was to be crucified, buried and ascended to heaven. He was giving His disciples instructions on how to behave in His absence. He wanted everyone to know how King's kids act. He wanted them to represent Him well. Isn't this what we want for our children, that they represent the family name well? I'm not just talking about the Smith name or the Waterman name but the name of Jesus.
Just as Jesus told His disciples to love, we have to teach our disciples, our children who are in the Kingdom or are being groomed to be in the Kingdom, to love each other so the world knows they belong to Jesus. This is radical because our natural inclination is not to love but to be selfish, exert ourselves and defend our rights. Being enemies comes naturally. Loving others takes work. But when we can love as Jesus loved--unconditionally and selflessly--then others will see that love and be drawn to that love, and this love is what draws them into the Kingdom of God. Love, and by extension unity, is the goal for the body of Christ and we display this through brotherly kindness, the sixth character trait that we get in 2 Peter 1.
So following are 10 acts of brotherly kindness that we should help our children to embrace when dealing with each other (taken from Zechariah 7:9 Ephesians 4:1-3, 29, 31-32):
(If you have an only child you can have your child practice these brotherly kindness traits with you because aren't mothers and fathers sisters and brothers in the Kingdom anyway?)
1) Be humble--When children constantly get their way and we put emphasis on their physical aspects above their spiritual ones, we feed their natural desire to be self-centered and self-absorbed. Teaching them that Jesus is the only perfect one, that God has given everyone gifts and talents, and how to defer to each other, will keep them from thinking more highly of themselves than they should (Romans 12:3).
2) Be meek--Too often we confuse meekness with weakness, but being meek (having your power under control) is a definite act of strength. Children need to understand that it takes less power to physically or verbally crush their sibling. Real strength comes with parlaying what's easy into a greater action (Matthew 27:40-43; Luke 4:1-13).
3) Be compassionate--Our children should be showing "very tender affection" to each other. The Apostle Paul is known to tell believers to give one another a “holy kiss,” and we know we can’t get out of church without giving somebody a holy hug. Physical affection is appropriate for our children to display with each other and we should encourage it.
4) Speak love--Another way for our children to show tender affection is how they talk to each other. Commending jobs well done and encouraging each other when siblings are having a hard time are prime examples of speaking love. We can encourage our children to check on each other's welfare, even as my 2 year old does when he sees his brothers looking sad. "You okay?" he says as he rubs their backs. No doubt he has seen all of us do that for one another.
5) Be patient--We all deserve to be punished for something, but when those we wrong withhold their punishment, we have received their mercy; they were patient with us as God has been patient with us (Psalm 86:15).
When our children practice the first five, they will have little trouble squelching 6) anger, 7) rage, 8) bitterness, 9) name calling and 10) fist fighting. Helping our children exhibit brotherly kindness in the family prepares them to do so among God's family and be a great witness to a lost world. Indeed, walking in brotherly kindness is a great way to keep the Kingdom first.
Rhonda J. Smith is a former college speech instructor & communications coordinator turned full-time homemaker & journalist. The writing of this committed wife and mother who earned her Bachelor’s degree in journalism and a Master’s degree in communication from Wayne State University, Detroit, has been featured in The Detroit News, Newsday (New York), Chicago Tribune, Daily Tribune (Royal Oak, MI),Guideposts, and Charisma Magazine.
Rhonda frequently speaks at ministry functions, writes and edits newsletters for Christian ministries, and teaches public speaking workshops. Three times a week, she encourages women to lean on God's strength instead of their own through her blog, Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman. She, her husband and three sons attend Evangel Ministries in Detroit, where they live.
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