Cool vs. Consecrated: Which Is Most Important for Our Kids to Be?
My Joshua warms my heart. He’s kind, helpful and ultra compassionate. His tender 9-year-old heart finds the good in people whose actions consistently tell you they mean you no good. He’s a little quirky, indulging in the creation of academic worksheets for fun in addition to more traditional pastimes, like playing basketball and reading (especially the Bible). He talks and asks a bunch of questions about history, geography and the Bible. He loves the Bible, thinks he may be a pastor and wants to help just about everyone he sees in need. And he has a habit of falling, being a bit clumsy and somewhat awkward. Perhaps this is just a stage he is going through, but I sometimes worry about him making new friends and navigating other important social situations.
One of my relatives noticed that Joshua is awkward and told another relative that he wanted Joshua to hang with him so he could make him ‘cool.’ I was appalled and ashamed. How could my relative not think Joshua was good enough, that he was okay, perhaps just going through a transitional phase? And what hadn’t my husband and I done to help Joshua fit in so others wouldn’t be offended by his awkward sensibilities? My husband and I long ago had decided that our children being consecrated as opposed to being cool was our goal, but with my relative noticing Joshua’s awkwardness I entertained shifting my emphasis to creating classes on being cool.
I know I’m not alone. As Christian parents, even we want our children to be accepted among their peers. The question for us is, “To what extent do we go to ensure that our children are socially accepted?” This is something I wrestle with and an issue that didn’t plague my parents. We grew up going to church sporadically so consecration was not a part of the equation. Additionally, being cool was something I took for granted, not initially classifying my time in high school being equal parts scholar and socialite as ‘cool.’ To me it just so happened that at my honors high school I was granted membership in the National Honors Society and a coveted social club; I was elected senior class secretary and nominated to be on the mock elections ballot; I was invited to join study groups and attend the most popular kids’ parties. And even my then-sweetheart was one of the most popular boys in our senior class. It wasn’t until my husband, who was also in my graduating class, said, “You hung with the cool crowd. You were popular,” and then highlighted my affiliations, that I looked at myself as cool according to conventional standards.
I always sought affiliations based on my interests and connections, never so I could be popular. Being a scholar and socialite were just byproducts of who I am. I didn’t try to be popular. Trying to be popular does more damage than good, whether kids themselves seek to do things to make their peers like them or we parents coach our children on the fine aspects of cultural cool. Either way, the children are putting their hopes in people and this can damage their emotions and cause a dependency on man and not God.
So I believe our emphasis should be on consecrating our children to God and not cultivating them to be cool. Surely we should instruct our children in proper social norms to minimize awkwardness and help them make proper connections with others, but undue pressure to fit in socially with little consideration of their consecration, is a spiritual travesty. To focus on consecration to God, I think we will do well to cultivate how God created our children and who God called them to be.
David said to God: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well (Psalm 139:13). We need to remember and our children need to know that what David said about himself applies to every human being. When God made us fearfully, he made us in a most awe-inspiring way. When people see us, they should be in awe of God’s power in putting us together. When God made us wonderfully, he made us uniquely so we stand out. We must continually let our children know that they aren’t meant to fashion themselves into another, because God, who created us all, already fashioned us above man’s standards. We aren’t meant to fit in but to stand out.
To help our children stand out in their God-intended way we need to constantly examine them to see what God put in them as standout features. We need to know what their gifts and talents are and help them develop them for God’s honor and glory. Whatever gifts and talents they have are directly related to their calling.
In Psalm 139:16 David went on to say, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Since God has ordained (planned) our days (life) he is the one we should seek to find out what we need to do to fulfill our life. He created us excellently and to pursue excellence and we can only live excellently by his leading. He will help us guide our children to those who will accept them, on how to achieve academically, toward what extracurricular activities to pursue and, above all, on how to apply biblical principles to their lives. This is consecration and no amount of cultural cool can cultivate that.
Perhaps my son is in that awkward stage or maybe he’s just awkward. Whatever his ultimate persona, consecration, not cool, is my goal and that way I know I will be putting the Kingdom first.
11 Comments
Reader Comments (11)
Are you sure we don't have the same son? lol I have all those concerns about my 12 year old. He isn't like the other boys but he is smart as a whip and loves God. That in my opinion is the most important. Great articlE1
I think the problem with society today is that too many parents are worried about making their kids socially accpeted. They cave into the latest trends, entertainment and fashion too. That is why our kids are so materialistic and screwed up. God never told us to prepare the children for to fit into social norms. They are supposed to be Kingdom kids. So KUDOS Rhonda for taking a stand and raising your kids with values that matter the most!!!! I really enjoyed this.
Well-meaning family members often do more damage they good when they try to help shape our kids. I have two sons-one 17 and the other 151/2 (going on 30). I used to worry about their development but I have found as they grew older they fared quite well. They are smart boys and respectful. They aren't running with the fast crowd and I see that my decision to tighten the reins earlier on has paid off. Keep doing what you're doing Rhonda! It will all pay off. God bless.
I can remember raising my children during an era when you weren't in unless you had certain name brands on clothing, etc. I never allowed them to submit to the trends but to become independent thinkers. In fact they, in their independence, became trendsetters. Corn rolls in primary school, Levi's in high school, etc. To stray from the social norms requires a strong sense of self awareness & values that rise above the popular. My girls made it through with intact faith packages that have guided them through their adult lives and related challenges.
It's important that children be raised in an environment that promotes thinking that enables making choices that are based upon rational processing.
@ E. Perry, it's good to know you can relate to me and my son. LOL. I love that you see the positive traits in your son and cherish those. Glad you enjoyed the article and thanks for reading.
@Marge, I believe you hit on the major problem areas that cause children (and parents) to want to fit in. So glad you enjoyed the article.
@Pamela, so good to hear about how your boys have turned out. Thanks for your encouragement and for weighing in!
@DWGlover, so many need to hear what you have shared: that being independent thinkers helped them to arise above social norms. You are so right that our children have to be equipped to be rational thinkers. This is indeed something we parents must teach.
I felt so guilty while reading this article. I have a teenage daughter and her self-esteem is so low. I have tried to buy her whatever she wants, put her in extracurricular activities and encourage her to have friends, but she is still not happy. I think I have put too much emphasis on the outside stuff maybe and not nurtured her enough inside? She is a follower who tries so hard to fit in and I feel like in a way it is my fault. I have made some mistakes FOR SURE! But its never to late to change that. I wish I had the kind of wisdom you have when my daughter was younger Ms. Rhonda. But thank God for second chances.
Melanie, It's never too late to change is surely right. My prayer always as I write what God gives me for each column is that people will examine themselves to continue on a righteous path or change to allow God to do a work in them through their parenting and to encourage others. Thank you for sharing how you've examined yourself and how you plan to shift. Your courage is encouraging.
I was bullied a lot in school because my family was poor and we didn't have much. We were rich in love but the teasing in school was heartless. I always wanted to protect my own kids from that so I showered them with things. They are so vain now and it drives me crazy!!!!!! I created a altogether different beast that I'm now trying to kill off. Vanity is definitely worse. I would take quirky over vain anyday! Pray my strength!!!! LOL
Ooo, Pat, I know what you mean about overcompensating for what we didn't have. I did that with emphasizing that my sons know the Bible and for a while my oldest was a bit arrogant. I had to nip that real quick. I realized that I played a HUGE role in his arrogance, had to apologize and then emphasize that his knowledge was for building up God's Kingdom and edifying others. We have to be careful not to say to ourselves "I'll never let that happen" to me or to my kids. When we do that the vow, not the Holy Spirit, becomes our driving force and that will always turn out bad. I indeed will pray for your strength, sis.
I was catching up on some reading today on my day off and I'm so glad I read your article. I have been very hard on myself as a parent. I worry constantly if I'm doing things "right" although I'm not sure anyone knows what that is. I keep my sons in church. I love them and spend time with them. But they would definitely fall in the nerdy club. We live in a predominantly white neighborhood and they go to a white Christian school. I love the values the boys are getting but they aren't as ethnic (for lack of a better word) as I would like them be. When I read this article I felt convicted like I have been focusing on the wrong things. They have hearts that are very open to God and they love Jesus. I should be happy for that and let God take care of the rest. Praise God for you and this awesome article!
Lorraine,
How sweet it is that you spent part of your day off reading this article. Thank you for reading and complimenting. I am convinced that if you are following the Lord's leading with raising your boys, God will equip them with everything they need to successfully navigate this world without compromising their beliefs. Keep trusting God, Sis. May God continue to bless you.